With these writings, I will make myself and my life completely vulnerable. Being vulnerable and putting yourself out there, is how you grow. If you’re never vulnerable, you never change.
This post is very different from anything I’ve ever written, but my experiences may help someone else.
It has been a hell of an emotional roller coaster with my sons father. During my pregnancy things got extremely rocky, to the point that I just let him be. I had full understanding that having a baby does not guarantee a man will be with you. I was about 5 months pregnant, and gave him his space and watched life unfold.
June 2013, the day before Father’s Day, we were discussing the possibility of having another child. We agreed there were issues to be handled prior to, but all in all seemed to be on the same page. Father’s Day rolls around, and one of the issues to be taken care of was another woman who knew no boundaries. To sum everything up, he chose her over me. Cool! I did not fuss with him or anything, I just let him be. My son was a year and a half old and was moving with his father on this day as well. I did not cry about the situation until he came to get the last of his things from my house.
I semi moved on. I eventually had another child with someone else. Guess what? That’s when he decides he wants to express how he really felt. Where was this when it mattered?!?
I can’t remember the reason why, but my dad came to visit. My dad and my sons father have a talk. In this conversation he disclosed to my dad that he wants to be with me, but because I have another child, he’s not sure. Whaaaaatever! Anyhow, we were slowly working on getting back to where we were before the Father’s Day fiasco in 2013.
Everything was going well, we were going places together, reconnecting. March 5th, 2015, my 27th birthday. He made the day special, and after 3 years we were finally intimate again. After that we really “leveled up”.
Memorial Day 2015, he states he has something to tell me. My heart drops instantly. Somehow I already knew what it was. He goes on to say “I have another child on the way.” I said “ok, no shocker there. I was expecting this.” So I then ask “Well who’s the mom?” When he told me, I instantly lost my shit. The woman he had gotten pregnant was a woman he alleged would just babysit our son for him. I asked when was the baby is due, I could have punched his face in when he told me the date. I even asked what they were naming the baby, and he would never say. I asked had he told our son, he told me he hadn’t. We had a short period of time to take this in. All I could think about was that bullshit he told my dad. How do you have a child on the way, yet give a bullshit answer to my father about me having another child.
In the days after, everybody asked was I ok. I really was. People kept saying it’s ok to cry if you need to. I genuinely had no desire to cry about it. I mean, for what? What would crying solve?
He eventually told me what they were naming the child. I’ll admit I was salty as hell! Like who does that, but hey if that’s what y’all want to do.
One day I drop my oldest son off at daycare, and one of the workers goes “His brother is here today”, I was confused because my baby boy didn’t attend that daycare. She went on to say, “You know the baby brother”. I’m 38 hot. You don’t think it’s important to tell that your son and his mother have moved to the same city? I had to find out by dropping my son off at school? He of course gave a bullshit explanation.
It’s been a constant back and forth of events. I made a promise to myself that I’d never be a bitter woman. My approach to everything is keep quiet and let it all unfold.
I’m mature enough to conduct myself accordingly, so the other mother and I have never had any issues. We ended up having a conversation the day before Father’s Day this year. A lot was revealed to me. To say these things were surprising would be a lie. I already knew of what I had gone through with him, so why would he change now?
I will be honest, my ego kicked in. I thought of everything I could make her aware of, but I let it be. Egos and not wanting to look foolish can turn situations far worse than they need to be.
Of course, he was with the apologies, but I told him he could keep them. He should have just left me alone. I accept my responsibility in this as well. I allowed myself to be dragged back into foolery.
There are a plethora of things that have occurred that make me question his definition of love and respect. Clearly he neither loves or respects either of us.
One example that made me reconsider my entire life was the reality show Love & Hip Hop. I don’t watch it, but because of social media it’s easy to keep up with what happens on the show. Everyone talks about how dumb Tara and Amina are, but that can happen to any of us if we aren’t careful. People often say love will keep you in a situation, I say your pride and ego will keep you in a situation. I remember he even admitted to me that he was trying to get me back for having another child. People are quick to bring up my other son and his father, but I’m not out here doing relationship things with his father.
What is it about the insecurities of a man, that will allow him to constantly destroy good women? I admittedly don’t have anything bad to say about all parties involved, other than we’re all dumb. I own my faults, why not? Can’t be in denial about what’s happening and what has happened in your life. Accept it, learn from it, grow, and move forward.
Opinions are like assholes, EVERYBODY has one. Let people say what they want about what you should and shouldn’t do, but you ultimately have the final say so. As women we have to stop giving men the option of continually placing us in drama. Don’t be afraid to call him out on his bs, never let your voice go unheard. One thing I can say is I never took up issues with the women involved, I always brought the issues to him.
It is easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.- Frederick Douglass
The best thing for me now is to remove myself from the situation all over again. I know the feelings and expectations that come with having your first child. I told him she’d have those same expectations as well. We co-parent our son very well, and that’s what really matters. He’s happy and is very loved.
I often joke about writing a book of my experiences, but I think I just may do it. In today’s world, we are groomed to hide our problems. I’ve said time and time again, I don’t mind speaking on the events of my life. You never know who your life will inspire.