In 2016, I decided that 2017 would be the year that I would commit to healing the broken parts of myself. The decision came from me not wanting to bring issues from my past into my 30’s. I proclaimed that I would walk into my 30’s a new, maybe not new, but changed woman. I really did, and still do not want to be damaged goods. My 20’s were good, but my 30’s will be greater.
The number one issue in my life that I had to fix was my relationship with my father. My dealings with my dad directly reflect how I treat men. I treat men exactly how I treat my father. I felt as if me being that way would be counterproductive to me teaching my sons to be respectable, accountable, and trustworthy men.
This year, my sister came to live with me. she was raised with our father, I was not, so in a nutshell, we both have daddy issues. We had a many sister talks and got to see our father from each other’s point of view. It was comical to hear all the lies he had told about my mother as to why he was not active in my life. My sister got to see first hand how my dad avoids me. He would call her to check on my kids as opposed to calling me, ya know, their mother.
There were other events that occurred during our time of living together, where we both agreed neither of us had it better than the other. My father and his ways old fashioned and manipulative had done a great number on us. Those few short months with my sister healed a huge part of me, but there was still work to be done.
I have really gotten into affirmations, setting intentions, and speaking what I want out of life and with my self healing process.
*Fast forward to Thanksgiving 2017*
This was my first Thanksgiving in my adult life with my family on either side. I sat with each of my family members and had a conversation which confirmed revealed answers I was looking for. It was a bit trippy, I was like damn you unknowingly gave me the answer I have been waiting on. I can say that each answer may not have been the one I wanted, but it was what I needed.
Observing my dad and how he talked to my brother further proved that I really did not miss out on anything. I was like this man is short fused and angry for no reason, oh and lets not forget always right *rolls eyes*. I wanted to engage him in a conversation about this, but he ALWAYS avoids this topic when I bring it up. He never wants to go head to head with me about real issues, that’s another trait I detest in other people. My dad and his way with people is why I have struggled dearly with trusting men. When I say trusting, I don’t mean I think they will cheat or things of that nature, It’s more of, “I think you’re generally full of shit and will lie about anything” type of distrust. Knowing what I know now, this train of thought is not healthy. In the last few months I have gotten better with trusting, as I am learning to change the way I think.
With me making progress in this area, I have been thrown a test in the form of my sons father. The way he handles me and my son is exactly how my dad does me and my mom. It’s beyond frustrating, and makes me want to tear some shit up. Lol, I’m not going that route though. I am determined to completely heal this area and totally transform my thinking. I WILL pass this test.
The self healing process is not pretty. You will cry, you’ll get angry, you’ll be joyous of your progress, but the end result is well worth going through all those things. You have to know that the things you will learn about yourself may piss you off, but if you don’t check self, how can you check anyone else. It will not happen over night, and trust me it is a daily crusade.
It is extremely necessary for one to heal themselves, no one else can do it for you. When working on self beware of other people who are broken and are not trying to change. They will drain and discourage you if you let them. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to cut that out of your life if you’re serious about healing.
I ultimately want to be a better me, a better mother, daughter, sister, and friend.
Knowing who you are gives you power over those who challenge your identity.